“Before Dawn”

Day 57, #2026bigyearproject

Since this time last year, I feel as though I have waded through thick mud, withstood bombardments of emotion and anxiety, paid attention to the flurry of a news cycle that defies description, stayed open to learning and honing new skills, and maintained relationships.

When I had limited inner resources, I chose where to devote my energy.

I have stood at the foot of daunting mountains, not always aware of what it would take to keep climbing toward a peak that might be hidden by fog. Predictions, maps, diagnoses, and hopes are well and good, but there is no telling what might happen during an ascent.

There were some terrifying moments. The thing about reaching toward health is that nothing is certain. Therapy, medications, surgeries, and daring treatments offer possibilities. The deep silence at 4 a.m., when one is left alone with swirling thoughts, doubts, or discomfort, is the hour that must be endured. It can only be brushed away with distractions temporarily. Healing comes when the ideas that gnaw at one’s insides are acknowledged, greeted, understood, and accepted.

Today, I went up and down our stairs without Citizen Cane. I can’t say I trotted at my former pace, but I managed all those steps without needing to pause. I even carried baskets of laundry in my arms. I took a second to congratulate myself on that triumph!

I know that my body has gone through some transformations. I accept the shifts.

While I was recuperating, I had a chance to educate myself on current events, read the work of many compelling writers, banter with witty classmates in improv classes, connect with my circle by phone, snail mail, and online, and slow down, stay still, ease out of the fast lane.

I appreciate the gentle souls who checked in. I am grateful to my husband for a multitude of reasons. I know I would not have come this far without my circle.

It is almost 4 a.m. once again. The silence holds tantalizing possibilities, peace, and a sense of anticipation for what may arrive when I am ready.

#2026bigyearproject